of Raves and Ravens

This isn't all I want you to know, it's just all I have time to tell you now.
Full moons are unique, and what a memory book you would have if someone recorded what you were doing each and every full moon of your life. Just that. Kind of a lunatic idea, I know.

Every day I feel the pull of the ravens that sleep behind my eyelids, and why my eyes fly open in the night sometimes. Guy just told me of a dream he had recently. It was scintillating and unusual. Almost never does anyone tell me of a dream that I can see just as they are seeing it, feel like I'm in it while they talk. It must be the moon, but I swear I could have been there myself. The part where someone had invented a spray that coated your tongue that made it react to black light and he was at a party full of people, all drinking and dancing. Someone should invent that. And when he awoke and his father had goggles fitted with a jewelers' loupes, and was peering deep into Guy's eyes and he thought...oh shit...he's going to know I'm drunk.

Oh!!! The breathy intake of recognition, the absolute terror that can strike in us, oh shit, someone is going to know. Someone, for example, who thinks I have things figured out is going to look at me and see the roiling chaos bubbling over on my stove. Just past the edge of my vision, that raven- unimaginably huge like a crow that ate the vegetable bounty in Gilligan's radioactive garden- that raven fluffs his chest feathers and settles down again to stare at me accusingly.

I said to a friend the other day that Reid was worried about lying about his age and felt bad about it, but explained that I had instructed him to lie. But it only weighed on his conscience briefly, because he is a teenager...and because he is sensible when it comes to the wasted energy of guilt and worry. I termed it "fleeting remorse."

When is remorse genuine, or even necessary. Is it only something that appears in that "oh shit, they know" moment? That's not what we are taught, but it's like that dream that feels so real. Most of us will continue drinking and dancing at the rave under the full moon, feeling only fleeting remorse, if any, until someone comes and flips the klieg lights on.

Now that we know that the results of any experiment are inextricably tied to the observer...is it only the raven that keeps one from the rave? Does anything happen at all if no one is watching?

You will forgive me, yes? for letting the Moon bewitch me when you were not looking.