Because all experiences are valuable.

Thursday, August 25, 2011


Now that I know there are more than a handful of folks who get my blog by email, it occurs to me how annoying it is that once the email goes out, typos cannot be corrected, even after I edit the blog.

So, just a correction. In Marinero, there was a typo. Anyone who reads Spanish...or knows the song La Bamba..would have spotted that it should have read yo no soy marinero, not you no soy marinero. That doesn't even make sense :-)

And just as a side note, in Spanish when El is capitalized in the middle of a sentence, it refers to God, or Jesus. Meaning, in translation, 'I am not a sailor, and God is the captain."



would you know how I felt if I said that I have to watch, it is my job to keep things together, and if I do not, they fall apart. the edges of my paper, so vulnerable to flame, will fall into the fire like ripened fruit if I stop looking for just the second that I might blink or sneeze. does everyone feel like this sometimes and even when I know God is watching for me...and it is the only spelling I am going to get on this long sea voyage, pero, yo no soy marinero, y El es capitan. I wish my eyes would close and I am tired of looking, for if I could see the future, I would see for myself no riches, no pain, just a coke, a peanut butter sandwich, and a blindfold.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Too Honest

some dreams are too honest to be true,
links and chains wrap barbed hooks
pass just through my midsection,
you could just happen by,
on your usual route,
and witness something you never intended to see,
but you didn't know it was me.

cameras catch things and they don't lie, they say,
there are those moments in luscious REM,
everything is a lie, but everything is true,
it all makes blessed sense...
only later does it start to unravel at the sleeves,
until you are naked,
and you can't hide the hooks from passersby,
most of whom turn away, but some can't help but
snap the image, and I wonder if they are ever the same
as it comes in their dreams some nights...
too honest,
too true.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Mother Teresa

Monday I finished the summer semester in nursing school. I stressed a lot over finals as I always do. Some people tell me not to worry so much. I know...that is good advice. But worrying so much is what motivates me to do so well. I need the internal pressure I put on myself; it keeps me working and studying when I would so much rather be doing something else, or when I don't think I can stand one more minute of the science of the human body. It is fascinating, but believe me it can get old.
We are unbelievably complex creatures.

When I am unavailable, or I'm stressing out, MJL always tells me he understands. When I need encouragement, he says, "remember, you are on a mission." That always helps. It reminds me why I started this whole thing.

The other day I was asking TK what he believes, because we have never had that sort of conversation. I tried to explain why it all matters so much to me, beyond succeeding and graduating. I guess you have to remember all of the people I loved that have died in the last few years, and how much they had and have done to support me. Brenau is an expensive school, and I am there on the grace and good will of my relatives and former husband who provided the financial means for me to do this. I thank them. I want to honor them. I want their money to be well spent.

A year and a half ago, I was a little lost. I hadn't gotten a spot in two different master's degree programs, much to my surprise. Judy Hyde talked to me about nursing school, but I just wasn't sure. I didn't want to leap in that direction with the wrong motives. So I thought about it, and more than that, I prayed about it, a lot.
I'm going to tell you what God told me. I feel it is a little scary to tell basically the world that God occasionally tells me things. But after I explained this to TK, he sent me something that touched me so much that I feel like I never should be scared of what people think ever again... God said to me that it was entirely my choice whether to go to nursing school, but that I was needed to care for his people. He told me that if I chose to go to nursing school, that the resources would be there for me every time I needed them. I started this process with just enough money for one semester of school, but every semester I have been able to pay my tuition. I want to be what God wants me to be. It isn't easy...I struggle against things I am that God doesn't like as well as other things...but I feel loved by the higher power of the universe, and not judged.

I want to share with you what TK sent to me, written by Mother Teresa.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

- Mother Teresa

That moved me so much that I cried. Not weeping, just those tears that spring to the eyes so fast it catches you by surprise. In those few simple words, I found that someone else understands exactly why I try so hard, and what I am trying to do. Believe me, I know I am no Mother Teresa. Never will be. But I will keep these words with me always.

This semester...a very difficult one...one I fought my way through tooth and nail it felt like, with my claws barely keeping me from sliding off the cliff. But I did it, and I earned three more "A"s, another 4.0. I'm going to enjoy my brief school break, and then back to work. Between you and me God: thank you for all the people you bring into my life so that I can keep trying every day.

Friday, August 5, 2011


Hey! I redesigned.
I've been at this for over a year...
thought I could use a new look...

I doubt anyone will object. hahahah

It's almost 1:30 am. I feel like I have been eating all day. Hmmm, what did I eat?

Breakfast? Raw oats oatmeal with yellow raisins and a little maple syrup.

Lunch? Captain D's salmon (no sauce)with broccoli, green beans and two hush puppies

Dinner? none, but I did eat about 8 peanut MnMs, a chips-a-hoy oatmeal cookie,
a fruit naturals cup with blueberries and blackberries, and a large handful
of bear naked granola- over the course of the last ten hours.

oh good lord. that feels like eating all day to me. I have a disordered view of food. I'm hungry now. It isn't worth the effort. I am hot, and mentally exhausted. I think I will go for a walk, which I like to do in the wee hours. There is nothing here that I have any interest in eating. Everything requires something of me, like...opening the refrigerator. It just isn't worth the effort.

sigh, where are my tennis shoes? then bed. oh...and water. drink water, Sylace.
I hate taking finals.
Just sayin'

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Waiting for this Heat to Break

I want to have a way with words like Alice Hoffman,
the way she would describe
how and why you might
simply die in a conscious act of
ceasing to live,
from extreme heat and sadness,
without her ever once mentioning the words
hot, or sad.

You would burn down like a
lone incense cone to a tiny
immolative pile of ash,
having blazed from a smokey fiery pyre
to a lost wisp on the twilight breeze.
Everyone who read you would know
just how that feels.

There would have to be flowers,
something exotic, but slightly New World,
twisted, variegated roses and purple clematis,
twining unseen into a thicket,
where your ash will gravitate and settle,
never once having needed
to slither and sweat
among the dark, back alleys,
window panes and velvet sofas
of a Tennessee Williams play,
a Carson McCullers story,
a Walker Percy novel.

Alice, you have cool breath,
Even through my restless sleep,
waiting for this heat to break.

Sylace- having slept all day, and having awakened feeling lost.

(and especially hoping that Ali enjoys this...)

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Take your paper tiger and go

a small warning- this might offend some who may not see the personally directed irony.

Paper Tiger

I want to fight you.
I want to strike down all your
Christian hypocrisy
and replace it with
Christian love.
God judges me no more
than he judges you-
just the same,
we are equals, and
my hypocrisy must exist elsewhere.
I am actively looking for it,
at least I can admit it...
God loves you, so therefore-
so must I...
but I don't.
Well, there it is.
the search is over.