Monday I finished the summer semester in nursing school. I stressed a lot over finals as I always do. Some people tell me not to worry so much. I know...that is good advice. But worrying so much is what motivates me to do so well. I need the internal pressure I put on myself; it keeps me working and studying when I would so much rather be doing something else, or when I don't think I can stand one more minute of the science of the human body. It is fascinating, but believe me it can get old.
We are unbelievably complex creatures.
When I am unavailable, or I'm stressing out, MJL always tells me he understands. When I need encouragement, he says, "remember, you are on a mission." That always helps. It reminds me why I started this whole thing.
The other day I was asking TK what he believes, because we have never had that sort of conversation. I tried to explain why it all matters so much to me, beyond succeeding and graduating. I guess you have to remember all of the people I loved that have died in the last few years, and how much they had and have done to support me. Brenau is an expensive school, and I am there on the grace and good will of my relatives and former husband who provided the financial means for me to do this. I thank them. I want to honor them. I want their money to be well spent.
A year and a half ago, I was a little lost. I hadn't gotten a spot in two different master's degree programs, much to my surprise. Judy Hyde talked to me about nursing school, but I just wasn't sure. I didn't want to leap in that direction with the wrong motives. So I thought about it, and more than that, I prayed about it, a lot.
I'm going to tell you what God told me. I feel it is a little scary to tell basically the world that God occasionally tells me things. But after I explained this to TK, he sent me something that touched me so much that I feel like I never should be scared of what people think ever again... God said to me that it was entirely my choice whether to go to nursing school, but that I was needed to care for his people. He told me that if I chose to go to nursing school, that the resources would be there for me every time I needed them. I started this process with just enough money for one semester of school, but every semester I have been able to pay my tuition. I want to be what God wants me to be. It isn't easy...I struggle against things I am that God doesn't like as well as other things...but I feel loved by the higher power of the universe, and not judged.
I want to share with you what TK sent to me, written by Mother Teresa.
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
- Mother Teresa
That moved me so much that I cried. Not weeping, just those tears that spring to the eyes so fast it catches you by surprise. In those few simple words, I found that someone else understands exactly why I try so hard, and what I am trying to do. Believe me, I know I am no Mother Teresa. Never will be. But I will keep these words with me always.
This semester...a very difficult one...one I fought my way through tooth and nail it felt like, with my claws barely keeping me from sliding off the cliff. But I did it, and I earned three more "A"s, another 4.0. I'm going to enjoy my brief school break, and then back to work. Between you and me God: thank you for all the people you bring into my life so that I can keep trying every day.