Redesign

Hey! I redesigned.
I've been at this for over a year...
thought I could use a new look...

I doubt anyone will object. hahahah

It's almost 1:30 am. I feel like I have been eating all day. Hmmm, what did I eat?

Breakfast? Raw oats oatmeal with yellow raisins and a little maple syrup.

Lunch? Captain D's salmon (no sauce)with broccoli, green beans and two hush puppies

Dinner? none, but I did eat about 8 peanut MnMs, a chips-a-hoy oatmeal cookie,
a fruit naturals cup with blueberries and blackberries, and a large handful
of bear naked granola- over the course of the last ten hours.

oh good lord. that feels like eating all day to me. I have a disordered view of food. I'm hungry now. It isn't worth the effort. I am hot, and mentally exhausted. I think I will go for a walk, which I like to do in the wee hours. There is nothing here that I have any interest in eating. Everything requires something of me, like...opening the refrigerator. It just isn't worth the effort.

sigh, where are my tennis shoes? then bed. oh...and water. drink water, Sylace.
I hate taking finals.
Just sayin'

Waiting for this Heat to Break

I want to have a way with words like Alice Hoffman,
the way she would describe
how and why you might
simply die in a conscious act of
ceasing to live,
from extreme heat and sadness,
without her ever once mentioning the words
hot, or sad.

You would burn down like a
lone incense cone to a tiny
immolative pile of ash,
having blazed from a smokey fiery pyre
to a lost wisp on the twilight breeze.
Everyone who read you would know
just how that feels.

There would have to be flowers,
something exotic, but slightly New World,
twisted, variegated roses and purple clematis,
twining unseen into a thicket,
where your ash will gravitate and settle,
never once having needed
to slither and sweat
among the dark, back alleys,
window panes and velvet sofas
of a Tennessee Williams play,
a Carson McCullers story,
a Walker Percy novel.

Alice, you have cool breath,
Even through my restless sleep,
waiting for this heat to break.


Sylace- having slept all day, and having awakened feeling lost.

(and especially hoping that Ali enjoys this...)

Take your paper tiger and go

a small warning- this might offend some who may not see the personally directed irony.



Paper Tiger

I want to fight you.
I want to strike down all your
Christian hypocrisy
and replace it with
Christian love.
God judges me no more
than he judges you-
just the same,
we are equals, and
my hypocrisy must exist elsewhere.
I am actively looking for it,
at least I can admit it...
God loves you, so therefore-
so must I...
but I don't.
oh.
Well, there it is.
the search is over.

Test blog?

So....I'm testing posting to my blog from my phone using the blogger app. I'm lying in bed. This doesn't feel like blogging. Hahaha, but could come in handy in the future. I suppose blogging from the ER is frowned upon?
However, posting poetry or random observations from almost anywhere...has potential. For example, from bed! Well, T-minus two weeks to finals for this semester. Reid started back to drumline/bandcamp this week. I watched "the Tourist" because Celeste was talking about the water vapor cigarette in class. I built a bookcase (kit) tonight...started about eleven pm. MJL called me a "productive" nightowl. He is right, though Reid is the owl...I'm the crow. I had to get yet another bookcase for my school books. Looks like I have to buy 14 more for Fall semester.
.....someone save me....please....no?
Oh well, ok. It would be nice to make Pi Kappa Phi. Well I can dream....goodnight!

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Shiny Things and Crow Omens

It isn't even the full moon and yet the crows return.
I was sitting with MJL on his porch, telling him of an opportunity I had recently to help someone find a piece of information that he really needed.
One of my small odd occurrences in which information I have no way of knowing comes to me anyway...

MJL looked over at the trees and said, "are those crows, or just blackbirds?"
There were two medium to largeish crows side by side in the tree...of course, just as I was telling the story.

I know that the twin birds that belonged to Odin, the Norse God, are generally thought to be ravens...but both ravens and crows share the same Genus, Corvus.
Odin's crows were named Huginn and Munnin, meaning "thought" and "memory."

I'm always commenting on life's delicious strangeness. Crows are said to exist between the worlds, half-in and half-out this one. Thought and memory...
things that crows clearly possess in abundance,
and a fondness for shiny things, which Di says are always in fashion.

here is something interesting to watch, something to think about...something to remember.

This Moment

So, let's chat.

I of all people can tell you that life moves insanely fast. Guy tells me that studies have shown that the perception of time passing speeds up as you get older. I have touched on the perception/ reality of time in this blog before. I used to love to read layman's books on quantum physics in my spare time, but honestly I haven't touched a one in the past year I have been in school. My cup has runneth over with science this annum.

Over a year ago, someone lent me a little book sheathed in a yellow and white paper cover. I hope she knows that I read it every day, and that I will return it to her someday soon, when I no longer need it, and that it is being used. It is called, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon. It is a compilation of daily thoughts and readings to help support the recovering journey of those who have suffered, as the result of a relationship of any kind with an alcoholic. These readings are not about the alcoholic, nor any sort of blame. They are reminders for the person reading to be active in the business of healing their own life.

I'm a little behind, but tonight I read this lesson...for June 30th in the book. If there were an author I would credit him or her, but I believe it is okay to spread this message.

"The time I spend in reviewing the past, mourning over past mistakes and failures, is time lost. This is why the twenty-four hour concept, in both Al-Anon and in AA, is so strongly emphasized.

Our yesterdays have no importance except as experience in making today more fruitful. Regrets and self-condemnation, for what we did or left undone, only destroy the self-esteem we would derive from a balanced view of ourselves."

That statement is so beautifully true.

Time is a human construct. It means nothing to the plants, or the animals. Even the seasons matter little at the equator. Time is nothing in quantum electrodynamics. It does not exist at all. All things happen, or do not happen. If you like multiple universe theory, then...all things happen, infinitely.

As a breathing human being, I must operate at least marginally within the framework perception of time. It is a comfortable robe, a bit of safety saran wrap that keeps my mind from flying apart to the edges of the universe.
But that does not at all mean that I cannot see that the only moment that exists is this one.
The past Does Not Exist Now.
The future Does Not Exist Now.

In this moment...the one that exists...I know that I am so lucky, more blessed then kings and sultans and princes of industry.
Time does seem to be speeding up to me. Half my life is likely over.
No matter what mistakes I make, ever, I can never fail if my love
shines out...every moment. The only one there is.

I love you, Guy.
I love you, Reid.
I will never top the achievement of having a hand in both your creations.

I love you, all my dearest, dear friends.

I love you, Yena. I am proud of you every single day.

I love you, MJL. You are perfect just as you are.

This is a wonderful moment to be alive.

Tara Sylace

Unscripted

I don't know what to say
when there are things that need to be said
but I can't say them
until I'm under a ladder
or someone throws salt past my left ear
I shudder to think,
no, no,
I always think sober,
veins clean and clear.
You will ask me what this is all about
and I will say, "nothing,"
which will be the
absolute truth.
If it were about you, you would know it...
if you don't think it is about you,
then