Because all experiences are valuable.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Closer to Fine

This day has been very dramatic. Obviously it is not over. I know this is my personal blog and I should probably use my opportunity to "spill it," but I don't think it would help anyone. That really is the point of this blog, that all experiences are valuable. I've been accused lately in "the real world" of being a person who hyper-analyzes everything. I'd like to address that a bit.

I'm just going to say what I think is true. One thing I do indeed "do" a lot, is self-scrutinize. I'm always looking for what is wrong with me, and therefore what I can improve. Is that bad? Guy tells me it isn't bad, but that he thinks I should maybe be a lot more forgiving of myself, or even unconcerned about being "better" all the time. Not that everyone shouldn't want to be better, but I think he means because it causes nervous anxiety in me. Some percentage of that is "stop worrying what others think, Mom." But more of it is, "stop worrying so much about what you think of yourself, Mom, and how deficient you think you are." This is great advice. But then he will get mad at me and tell me I give the worst directions in the world. Which just isn't true. I give really good directions. People tell me that, really! Generally, Reid will always side with Guy, no matter what, but on this one...I'm pretty sure he would side with me that Guy is the worst direction follower. Either way, I guess neither one of us should worry about it...not feel bad to be bad at whatever we are bad at and just move on.
Ha ha which I can see the truth in.

Something I used to spend a lot of time doing was analyzing or even hyper-analyzing what I thought other people might be thinking, or moreso, what I thought their motivations were. But in the last few months, since starting to read all the books I've mentioned here on the blog, and indeed, writing the bog, I spend very little time thinking about what other people are thinking or why. It has made a significant change in the way I interact, I guess. Now some people think I am being selfish or self-absorbed. On one hand, I can see that as a valid viewpoint from their side, because I am not spending all the time worrying about their thoughts as I used to. That can come as a real shock. Maybe people have literally no idea how much of my thought processes used to be taken up with thinking about "them." There have always been a lot of people who wanted a lot of attention or focus from me, or more accurately wanted my attention when they wanted it.
Believe me, this is not limited to a few people. I'm not even complaining. I used to really get my identity from being the person others depended on. I was part and parcel of that equation.

But now...I HAVE to put myself and my school first. Indeed, my boys come very very near the top. But this...in three years, Reid will be gone to college. I know Jason will be there financially to help Reid, and I would think Reid would get some scholarships or something with his musicianship. He can play his djembe on the street if he has to, and would probably love that. Guy gets the maximum of state grants and federal grants, at least right now, and he has proved very successful at living on his own. When the generous amount of alimony I have been awarded, and even graciously given, is done...I have to be ready to support myself and make my life until it is done. My boys even know this. Reid sent me a great job text on my lab grade. They like to see me doing so well.

I just feel caught in a "Catch-22." When I hyper-focused on others, I was accused of stepping over boundaries, misjudging, assuming, ascribing thoughts to people, categorizing, being co-dependent, being a doormat, expecting people to meet my views of them, and on and on... now that I focus much more on myself...I am being accused of being selfish, self-obsessed, uncaring, myopic, abandoning, hard, unfeeling, etc etc etc. People who liked me before the way I was, maybe don't like me as much now. People who thought I was a doormat before, like me better now. Really, I don't think any of the above words are accurate. My genuine feeling is that it is me whom others simply can't understand...and they are also assuming about me, categorizing, judging, etc, or being selfish, uncaring etc.

Maybe we all are. All the time. Maybe we do our best to be the best we can. Guy tells me others just don't spend much time on this sort of thing at all. I feel like, okay, but this is the set of brain cells and the chemical makeup that my very DNA has given me. The more I am learning about DNA and cellular function, the less I am willing to apologize for who I am. I want to love everyone, I want to take care of everyone....which is why I'm trying to become an RN. But 'Everyone' who wants something from me is NOT going to take care of me in old age, sickness, retirement, etc. I have to do that. I don't want to burden my kids, and I do want to be proud of myself. I don't know what else to say.

IF a person does not wish to be around me, or be my friend, she or he is under NO obligation to do so. I don't think that is selfish. I think it is wise. Thanks for listening, and huge hugs to all.


  1. very good! i enjoyed this alot, very in depth yet not unfocused! :D

  2. Also, thanks for the Indigo Girls. I have never listened to them before.